“You’re not being mindful” is a phrase I heard from someone who hadn’t the capacity to think about what they were doing to to me all while demanding that I be mindful of all their issues. But I thought I was being mindful. I was, but they were the type of person who just wanted more and more until I was walking on eggshells and then I got yelled at for walking on eggshells. That was stupid.
I, a person who has always enjoyed being genuinely me, had felt like I had to minimize myself to keep another person happy. Glad that shit didn’t last long. After that, I started to rebuild myself again and realized a few things.
At one point years ago, I was super into personal development content. I liked all the positive thoughts and feels it gave me. It worked out well because before that, I had a pessimistic side that wasn’t serving me. I went all in and it felt great.
Fast forward past the “you’re not being mindful” moment and I was a little depleted from giving a a little too much of myself. I had just recently built myself up but I got pretty knocked down. But the building myself up was fresh in my mind so I went right back to it.
But as I was building myself up, I did realize something. I liked a prior version of myself more than I did the “best” version. It was my teenage self. Obviously that one was very flawed but I had a lot of qualities that I really liked. I wanted to be that version of me mixed with the more intelligent me that made better choices. I wanted to be a good mix.
With that I learned that you don’t have to be perfect. You don’t have to fix all your flaws, but if you’re going to have flaws, you better be damn well ready to embrace the ones you do have. If you can’t, those are the ones you need to fix. And the flaws that you embrace, figure out how to turn them into super powers instead of the shit that holds you back. I like being a little crazy from time to time so I call it my unhinged authenticity.
Remembering the teenage version of Missy, I just truly used to like being obnoxious and offending people sometimes. I thrived in confrontation. I handled it toxically as hell every time but sometimes I still want to be petty and not be the better person. Sometimes I want to snap and say “today I choose violence”, the spicy, witty kind that flusters someone until they can’t think straight.
But then I also remembered that I want to be the version of me that makes better decisions. So now instead of going full blown unhinged, I do pick and choose. Do I want to indirectly cause chaos for others or will this affect only those intended? If I do cause indirect chaos is the collateral damage minimal and will it be worth it? I pick my battles more appropriately.
And then there’s that mindful thing. Like I started being aware that I might bother someone or offend someone, or make someone uncomfortable with damn near everything I do and I might have just become so mindful that I watered myself down. Yeah, fuck that shit.
I started thinking about it and I was like, “thpthpthp… I’m tired of being mindful! When are people going to be mindful for me?” I mean, I like being comfortable too, you know? Maybe people should start cussing more, maybe they should just be a little more weird in public. Maybe others should just randomly be loud and obnoxious in public. Sometimes you have to put a halt on being mindful and just make yourself happy because after all, you can’t make everyone happy.
It’s ok to make yourself happy, it’s ok to put yourself first. It’s ok to be unapologetically you, even if that means that the sheer sight of you makes someone else absolutely disgusted. You should even take joy in that. Like fuck it, my happiness makes them mad? Cool, embrace the hell out of that shit. So if you see me out and about expressing an absurd amount of unhinged authenticity, just know I’m also tired of being mindful and I strongly urge you to try it yourself sometime.
